“I’ll drive into that bridge when I get to it”

In the least surprising development of the 2018 municipal campaign, Toronto mayor Nick Kouvalis has thrown his hat into the ring for a third term.

The convicted drunk driver thanked front man John Tory for failing to develop any original ideas in his four years at City Hall, adding, “He knows — and history has shown — he couldn’t win a one-man potato sack race on his own, and don’t be fooled by the weight gain: That suit of his has only gotten emptier over time.”

Asked what sorts of smears and innuendo he planned to launch against rival candidate Jennifer Keesmaat, he was cagey, saying only, “I approach every campaign on a case-by-case basis. I’ll have to drive into — I mean, cross — that bridge when I get to it.

“But if there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you shouldn’t repeat yourself. So I guess you can take that to mean I won’t be making any death threats, lying about opponents’ retirement plans, calling people ‘cuck,’ or busting into a Kelseys after hours. But I still think there’s a few colours on the palette I haven’t used yet.”